Greetings people of Oklahoma! I come today to give you a dire warning. You must believe what I say if you want to continue to live as you do.
I am Coburn of Muskogee and I come from far away lands to warn you of impending doom! You, the fine citizens of Oklahoma, chose me to fight for you in the treacherous world outside. You must know that there is an evil spreading across our United States. I have seen this evil with my own two eyes! Dark wizards known as Democrats from the land of Washington DC are plotting against you, your women, your children, and your lands! These Democrat wizards are slippery of tongue and masters of deception. They will speak in riddles and half-truths. They will make you believe that their way of life is better than your life already is. They will make impossible promises that cannot be kept. Nay fair citizens, do not be fooled for these sorcerers have forked tongues. They will bring fascism, socialism, and the most evil spell of all, communism!
Believe what I say! I bring you evidence of their treachery! People, fear the most powerful and evil of all, Obama the Dark. While I speak, he plots to slash your defenses. My friend and ally, and your friend as well, Inhofe of Tulsa, told us of this dastardly news. It is these defenses that keep the worlds evil doers at bay and it is these defenses that will be weakened by this powerful and mighty Obama! With softened defenses, Obama will infect your communities with Islamic Fundamentalists who will replace your Bibles with their own holy book, the Qur’an! Satan himself might as well move to the hut next door! Crops will wither! Wells will dry! Storms will level your village! Believe what I say!
Are you not convinced? Can it be that I have not swayed you? Perhaps this will solidify your fears! Obama the Dark has underlings. Powerful underlings with strange names like Pelosi, Reid, and Emanuel. These sorcerers work in the shadows to undermine your saintly way of life. Take this example to heart! The under lord known as Attorney General Eric Holder wishes to strike down the right that was given to you by the founders of these lands, the almighty Second Amendment! He wishes to take away your weapons, leaving you defenseless! After they complete their mission and strip you of protection, their armies will trample your crops, steal your horses, kill your children and rape your wives! I assure you, you will not receive compassion or sympathy from these Democrats! Their only desire is power. Pure, unadulterated power.
Heed my words, people of Oklahoma! Listen to what I say and search your heart for you know it is the truth. Lucky for us all, Democrats are easy to find. They speak of facts and point to words found on pages in books. Do not allow yourself to be manipulated! You and I both know that their facts come from the same people who wish to do us harm! Nobody outside of your circle is to be trusted! Shield yourselves from these facts. Only believe people you know. Trust your guts for they are the true source of enlightenment! Knowledge is the enemy of true serenity. Avoid it at all costs!
Should you suspect you are in the presence of a Democrat, take them to the water, water deeper than they are tall. Tie a heavy stone around their ankles and put them into the deep. Should he float, then you will know that he is one of us. A proud Oklahoman! Should he sink then you have succeed in stopping evil in it’s tracks! I assure you that other high priests like Beck the Wise, Hannity the True, and Limbaugh the Pure will corroborate this tail.
Now, I must leave you, fair people of Oklahoma! Remember what I say and prepare! Prepare for Judgment Day is inevitable!
As Coburn of Oklahoma rode off, Lothar of the Hill People and his companions began their long journey home. They had heard Coburn, but were distracted by their own, more local concerns...